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[ website | Poetic Monophobic ]
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(2wishes | dream)

These are the goodbyes that are going to make me better [18 Dec 2004|08:37pm]
So slowly, I am realizing things i may regret
I stood infront of a mirror for about twenty minutes, and realized i hated every single thing about me, I just pray that i will make myself better in the upcoming months, for now i am going to fake my self-esteem, and then take it from there, because last night, someone made me feel beautiful... now for what this entry is about

i have a new lj email me and i will email you the thing...

and i have a message for someone

Amy - I made mistakes by touching larry, I know this, I am srory you think I am a bitch, and i am sorry that yuou think that i was talking about you last night, i truely am happy for you, I made a mistake now I am trying to escape the consequences, which i can not do, So now i will jsut apologize and hope you realize that this is sincere and that i am happy for you ad him, you make each other happy, I am sorry.... and I regret Touching him and such, I just hope my apology is accepted, and i hope you two never lose each other..... that is it, and once again I am sorry


--- Goodbye xstolen-tearsx..

(1wish | dream)

"Think I am paralyzed by what you do to me, but i love it dearly" =Pax [18 Dec 2004|01:12am]
[ mood | Its nice to smile, and to talk ]

This week/past year, hasn't treated me with kindness, or love. Some parts were love, touching my heart with new experiences, others were parts touching me with pain, that will probably be there for a long time... Tonight, I let it go, I let it all go... I love Pax Cecilia now... I dont think I couldnt, they poured every emotion they had into them into their songs, and that is what it is all about Love...

so here is what went down,

After school. tom *my sisters boyfriend* came and picked us up, I boughtan awesome pair of shades, oh yeah... I got alot of compliments... I felt beautiful, not outside in that shallow way but people were talking to me, and not judging me right away with a few exceptions... <===that was at the show

so then i get to the show, I look for kent, due to the fact he is the main reason I am there... I find ANDREA, and meet amanda... ANDREA I LOVE YOU, you made the night amazing, and i am getting you something for christmas, this pax sweater which i will live in is amazing.... THANKS THANKS THANKS x1294071095271358375

I met up with Kent though, Yes, Just like i pictured, amazing... He was lovely, emotional, there are no words to describe him,

here is the set list...

=Disaster Front


=the Calm Before


=Ahimsa Sunrise

=pax Cecilia

i would have had to leave during pax, but kent gave me a ride home, I actually just got in not too long ago
We didnt play the radio the whole way home, we just talked, it was nice, I was nervous, i dont know if he could tell, but i pray for more moments like that

and his hugs were amazing, I got a few before i got in the car, and after the show, and when I got there, and before i got out of the car, If i had a choice the one that happened in the car i would have not let go, We were in front of my house, you know they say your home is where you feel protected and safe, but tonight, I felt safe, with him... I trust him, and trust is hard for me....

I honestly dont think, I ever talked freely with being afraid of sounding stupid.... He is truely a great guy... Everyone should meet him, He will make your heart warm.....
I promise

(breaths in) *sigh*

when will there be more?


"TheDryerFUCKEDupMyJeans"-Me "IHaveNeverHeardTheWordsFuckedUpSoEmphasized"-Brittany [14 Dec 2004|06:38pm]
Today was Today...
I am over it...
I am tired of it...
Can it End?

(2wishes | dream)

[13 Dec 2004|08:39pm]
×Hit By Cupid by Just Short Of Sunday×
The worst way to miss someone is to sit right by them
And know that you can never have them.
I think I heard that somewhere.

The worst way to love someone is to think of them
And know that they're not thinking of you.
I think I heard that somewhere.

If they knew what I'm talking about,
Maybe this would all be figured out by now.

Does this all make sense? Can you even tell?
Would you notice me if I walked by and fell?
No, no I can't do that.
That would be pretty lame and stupid.
It kind of feels like I've been hit by cupid.

Again, I made myself look worse.
I must have said something wrong.
It's like I'm under some kind of curse
That made me write this song.

What am I doing to myself.
I must have said something wrong.
I guess I'll blame it on a naked flying elf.
Thanks to his arrow, I got shot.

If they knew what I'm talking about,
Maybe this would all be figured out by now.

Does this all make sense? Can you even tell?
Would you notice me if I walked by and fell?
No, no I can't do that.
That would be pretty lame and stupid.
It kind of feels like I've been hit by cupid.

Pretty lyrics

* http://purevolume.com/justshortofsunday


"I had a feeling bad times were coming, i just am afriad that is right now" -My dad [13 Dec 2004|08:21pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

^ quote above, that wasnt a funny quote but a serious one

those feelings that i felt when he looked at me and said that are indescrible, I will explain later... hmph...

today i was happy, I fit into a pair of jeans I didnt fit into for awhile, I think I MIGHT be losing weight, going on a diet might be working, maybe i wont be called names anymore, and maybe i will be pretty...

(2wishes | dream)

Slow Dances, and Glittery eyes [13 Dec 2004|07:09pm]
Tyler took all of these, minus the last one which i took with his camera

These are my shoes, I didnt know tyler took this picture

me after i stole the decorations and dressed up in them, they are in my room now

This is me my favorite one!!!!

(2wishes | dream)

[12 Dec 2004|04:24pm]
LAst night was the semi-formal..

So... I woke up to Sara calling me at like eleven-thirty ish... so i rushed rushed rushed around the room, cleaning cleaning cleaning... and then got in the shower, and got out, (obviously) and then i did my hair, *i iwll post pictures once i get them back*, adn then she came over, adn i finished up my sisters hair then we watched donnie darko, nad i did her hair *She was gorgeous i love her*, and then I started, hence the word started doing my nails, and then i get a phone call from April, I had offered to do her hair, like last month, since i am half-decent with hair styles, well she called and i was like hey whats up, she told me that her ashley and jessie went to a hairstyle and that they got their hair done and it wasnt even funny how bad the lady messed it up, they asked if i would come to the rescue, and i cant do hair with my nails done, because they are fake so i stopped doing them, and they came over, i must admit I laughed really hard when they all came, it looked like hairstyles from the fifties, and not the good kind, so all their hair was teased, I saved the day first came april, hers was easy, it just took awhile to un-tease her hair, then came jessie, i did hers kinda like aprils, and then came the ashley, she was the worst, we pretty much had to use a bottle of conditioner on her hair... and then she blow dried it, but her hair was the cutest when i was done, now people know just to come to me for hair, not some retardted pro! haha

after they left, sara and i ate some pixie sticks! and then watched donnie darko... well the rest of it, oh i love that movie...

then we left to her casa, we got in our dresses, BOTH of us ran into problems, I discovered that i couldnt wear my dress with a bra, and anyone that knows me will know I DONT HAVE A SMALL CHEST WHATSOEVER! So i had sara tie my dress really really tight, and then her dress had a hole in it, right down the sleeve *she made it* and then her mom fixed hers, i fixed up my makeup, adam came, and then we went to the mall, and walked around in our prettiness... adn then we went to dinner, and allen was on break, so i went to talk to him... he is such a nice kid, and then mason was on break so we hung with him, and then sara shared a veggie cheese sub with me..... and i took a picture of our shoes!

We went to the photobooth then, and the pictures turned out horrible... so we ripped them up and kept one as a souveiner....*sp?*

then her daddy came and we went up to the dance, Oh dear that was fun, many people gave me compliments and asked where my date was... I missed eric alot and i still havent figured out what i was protected from....the only thing i cant hink of is a guy that actually cared about me, but hey protect me from happiness okay...i dont understand... [note to eric: I miss you and i am sorry, I will make it up to you one day]

hmmm, lots happened last night.... I stole decorations left and right... hahaha I stole the pruplr stuff that i made into my shrug, but then i saw a checkered one and I HAD to have it so I stole that too, and then i stole a mask, and then another, and then i stole the G from Mardi Gras, and then I stole a whole bunch of stars which now decorate my room! i got to dance with andrea, I kinda wish owen was there, i wanted to get a picture taken of me and him together.... hmph... i feel that he is mad, and i thin kI am right, maybe i shouldnt call him a man whore, so i suppose i will stop....

Oh yeah, I fell out of my dress I was on my way to the bathroom, i wasnt feeling good, THANK GOD, no one was out there... NO MORE BACKLESS DRESSES/LOW CUT DRESSES FOR ROXY!!!! gah i hate boobs!!!! and the way guys stare at them, and look down your shirt, and how you are afraid of falling out of your dress....

Hmmmm, i did get to slowdance with this freshman, i didnt evne come to his shoulder, okay so i was like almost right at his shoulder he had to to tilt his head down slightly to rest it on top my head.... i felt short....and i usually never do!

Oh i wore my converse, and i was hott, the end.


(1wish | dream)

"did you ever drive past the cow fields, and wave to the cows, not a damn one waves back"-JohnFugate [09 Dec 2004|09:09pm]
i am sorry everyone

(1wish | dream)

fill this out about me [05 Dec 2004|01:04pm]
Rock-see is _______.
If I were alone in a room with her, I would ________.
She needs _______.
I want to ________ with Rock-see.
She reminds me of ______.
Without Rock-see, _______.
Memories of her are __________.
She can be _________.
_______ is how I describe Rock-see
Worst thing about Rock-see is ________.
Best thing about Rock-see is __________.
I am _______ with Rock-see.
I think she should _______.
Rock-see will never ________.
She can ________ .
When I think about Rock-see, I ______.
I ______ Rock-see

fill that out pleasE?


My ear drums are ringing.... [03 Dec 2004|09:08pm]
I can't take this anymore, no not anymore...
I cant stand the yelling, and then the lashing out on me...
I cant stand to be the victim anymore....
This house is hell,
I want to be taken out of it for awhile...
i hate it right now,
I am sitting home with the yelling
I didnt even do anything, i jsut asked her to stop yelling.....

I am crying
and it is all thanks to her,
I wish i could be like i want to be like my mom
but i cant, I cant turn out like her....ever

(3wishes | dream)

Aww look my lil girl is all grown up, okay just half, maybe not even that much -Mi madre [02 Dec 2004|06:30am]
[ mood | Birthday,DamnIwantThatBalloon ]

So today is my birthday, and I am tired hahaha

Toni spent the night here last night, she had no power at her house, and they planned on waking me up at Midnight, but it wouldnt have been my birthday then not until 5.28 am......

Anonymus messages... again..

1.I am getting to know you better, and that is awesome. No matter what feelings i had for you before, they kinda went away.... Now I can only see you as a friend, i am sorry.... In the act of protecting myself selfishly.... I lost the feelings..... I am sorry, I am glad that i can come to you, I hope you know that i do not take your friendship for granted and that you can come to me whenever you need someone, maybe i will feel those feelings I had for you again, but not right now....

2.Best friends drift and I guess that is all there is left to say right? Sorry that I screwed it up, but you were to blame to....

3. My best friend, I dont know where i would be without you. (pertains to 2 people)

4. I talked to you in the halls before and now we are becoming friends, we have alot in common.... and I hope we get to know each other better. i heart you (p.s MYSPACE ROCKS)

5. I love to hear your voice sing. I miss it. Am I a loser, because I became friends with you, but i dont even get to see you?


Those were short darlings, and they sucked...
Love always,

p.s. Hey I am now 16


"Everything is wonderful now..." [28 Nov 2004|11:41am]
[ mood | satisfied ]

I called him, I went to dubois, I love him.
I cried about him, I laughed with him.
I looked like shit. I hate what crying does to you.
I love my dad. I think i would not have seen john if it wasnt for him.
I miss him already. I hate saying good bye.


sorry isnt cutting it.... or maybe it is for you [28 Nov 2004|12:09am]


Thanks for keeping your promise.... [27 Nov 2004|03:08pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

John... i know you read this so read this carefully.... I am praying tha ti will be able to write this next entry of the day as JOHN AN DI DID HANG OUT.....

Well this entry righ tnow is different...

This is it... I am writing it all down...so i can stop crying

Can I ask you? Do you knwo what it is like Sitting on the couch by the phone waiting for a phone call, To hear a voice you always hear, but suddenly there are too many people in his life, that he cant call you and see maybe if you need a ride, or directions to a party.... He didng call to see why i wasnt there.... Did he even notice?... Probably not..

Do you know what it is like having to tell your dad that you cant see the one person who means the world to you.... My dad told me that he wanted to me to see john... he really did, because he has never seen me this happy in a long long time...

That hurts.... that i was so excited and then i just got crushed

And now i am crying bye

(4wishes | dream)

i was bored [27 Nov 2004|12:37pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Dubois Marching band is love

I made it all by myself


"PUt under the pressure of walking in your shoes" [27 Nov 2004|10:23am]
why hasnt he claled...?

I am stressing myself out over the fact that he doesnt want to see me...

I dont know why it bothers me so much...

Am I just paranoid?

So if ound htis thing called googlism... here read

roxy is sick
roxy is licked figuratively
roxy is here about 3 months old
roxy is the queen
roxy is verandert
roxy is missing
roxy is a
roxy is a two year old female rottweiler husky mix that was saved from the kent county humane society litterally minutes before she was to be euthanized
roxy is on your right
roxy is on the right hand side
roxy is the only club
roxy is lucky enough to have two registered names
roxy is the attitude and real angst of the misfits
roxy is determined to put the results into practice to establish business cases in a rapidly emerging market leveraging multimedia products and demand for
roxy is very sweet
roxy is a very thin wrapper around the win32/1
roxy is very loving and loves to play with her neighbor friends
roxy is known as a place where dreams can come true and frequently do
roxy is saved
roxy is part of our weekly run at pineview school in georgetown
roxy is very sweet and lovable to people
roxy is a mature
roxy is a favourite for sundays
roxy is famous for its homemade baklava
roxy is no longer strictly vegetarian
roxy is sunset's most lethal lounge
roxy is a very competent musician both on piano and blues harp and has an original vocal style that is easy to listen to
roxy is a very lovely cat
roxy is sponsoring an all
roxy is an important companion for a special boy
roxy is terrified of dogs
roxy is already scratching at the stitches
roxy is so in love with this little dog that she whimpers when we seperate them
roxy is a popular post
roxy is missing" by
roxy is composed of me
roxy is walking much better these days
roxy is a very sweet young lady
roxy is a legend in clyde
roxy is her
roxy is home of the current world dance champions
roxy is a good example of the high class blood lines that we deal with here at busselhaus german shepherds
roxy is a young kangaroo who escaped from the bronx zoo
roxy is a very sound
roxy is a survivor movie house needed someone to love it and theatre network needed a home
roxy is not for him
roxy is the '99 raleigh and garner jaycees pettrek spokesdog
roxy is moot
roxy is 6 months old
roxy is too good to pass up
roxy is then forced to admit the truth and the team are surprised
roxy is a so
roxy is a top
roxy is
roxy is doing well
roxy is still its grand self
roxy is still defining herself to me
roxy is 21
roxy is "going to school" with the rest of the children
roxy is a precious
roxy is from tucson but hopes to teach elementary school in san diego
roxy is your radio station
roxy is very athletic and fit
roxy is an 8
roxy is always a bit on the young side
roxy is an outstanding individual who is bringing holsteins' most popular cowfamilies together
roxy is doing great
roxy is active in illinois yearly meeting
roxy is a very
roxy is a brave and solid heart
roxy is left in charge of both infant children
roxy is a singer
roxy is of a noble and loving figure
roxy is situated on a large city block fronting marietta street in northwest
roxy is around 10 months old
roxy is a very nice place to have latin nights
roxy is the first modern human to encounter him
roxy is her real mother
roxy is an exciting new club in orlando
roxy is great
roxy is the coolest place in the city
roxy is no surrealist
roxy is an absolutely essential recording for any brian wilson or beach boys fan
roxy is 2 months old in this picture
roxy is a female american staffordshire terrier
roxy is een x tervurense herder van 1
roxy is door velen aangeduid als symbolisch voor het einde van een tijdperk
roxy is still apparent
roxy is coming home
roxy is here

((that was witht he name Roxy)))


((this is with the name Roxanne))

roxanne is teething
roxanne is currently an operational member of beartooth search dogs with her dog pax in wilderness air scenting and trailing
roxanne is freely adapted from edmond rostand?s classic play cyrano de bergerac with absolutely marvelous results
roxanne is twelve years old and crazy about baseball in 1962
roxanne is 12
roxanne is privileged in having a father who is a national coach
roxanne is no stranger to the stage
roxanne is respected on both sides of the aisle
roxanne is tired of dumb guys and thinks maybe the cute chris might be the one for her
roxanne is one of three children; her sister
roxanne is a
roxanne is really quite intelligent and aware of the world surrounding her
roxanne is also a friend of tom's
roxanne is in demand locally to play for special events
roxanne is an 11
roxanne is a member of immaculate's netball team
roxanne is the daughter of rina naranjo swentzell and the niece of nora naranjo
roxanne is dominate part of me
roxanne is albino
roxanne is one of those utterly formulaic family movies that is so harmless it could
roxanne is a film about zeus
roxanne is seen to be at school
roxanne is a resource specialist working with learning handicapped children
roxanne is an "a" student
roxanne is
roxanne is his
roxanne is a beautiful bright red and white spayed female with blue eyes
roxanne is smart
roxanne is attracting an avid following among the hip and trendy in marin county and san francisco
roxanne is music
roxanne is not a people pleaser and operates in the natural gifts god has given her
roxanne is one of my favorite movies
roxanne is a gifted psychic and spiritual advisor
roxanne is in love with the very handsome christian
roxanne is right
roxanne is still waitin' to take their music beyond the live
roxanne is still satisfying her shoe fancy and now owns over a few hundred pairs and growing
roxanne is puerto rican and john is portuguese
roxanne is kind
roxanne is married with two creative children
roxanne is responsible for keeping the students informed on what the student union is up to
roxanne is doing
roxanne is a link exchange member
roxanne is a member of the society of permanent cosmetic professionals
roxanne is cuddling me in a twin size quilt
roxanne is twelve years old
roxanne is the worst song ever written?
roxanne is equivalent to glam
roxanne is offset by moments of slapstick
roxanne is a faithful church member
roxanne is willowy and wiry
roxanne is still available and may be viewed under the "surnames by
roxanne is the agency administrator and is a licensed practical nurse
roxanne is kim's youngest sister
roxanne is young and unworldly and falls in love with christian because of his
roxanne is locked out of house nude
roxanne is attracted to the sensitive
roxanne is a reggae song; it's actually a tango
roxanne is a fallen catholic; bitter at her mother for choosing the church over her daughter
roxanne is a very pretty woman who is certainly engaging enough to warrant your visit
roxanne is an extraordinary individual
roxanne is making hed more productive
roxanne is the 3rd child born of 4 to donald and joyce dismuke
roxanne is a registered dietitian with a masters degree in medical dietetics
roxanne is an active member of the san gabriel valley down syndrome parent support group
roxanne is the "alpha cat" of my three cats; she is very bossy and possessive
roxanne is our guide through a life that has moments of tenderness
roxanne is pregnant and is due on october 25
roxanne is the proud mother of two very active children
roxanne is anne capps
roxanne is available for dancing engagements and regularly performs at the following events
roxanne is a very volatile woman
roxanne is my lifecoach
roxanne is one of prairie media's principals
roxanne is ready for the structure of high school
roxanne is encouraged to write for more information
roxanne is gently encouraged in her decisions of how to spend her free time during the day
roxanne is my retro miss february
roxanne is the author of four books and writes a business column that appears in more than 500 publications annually
roxanne is going to have those red boots
roxanne is looking forward to an upcoming tour of europe
roxanne is available for private lessons
roxanne is tucked up in her bed
roxanne is a member of the arizona minority bar association
roxanne is able enough to have attracted the attention of charlie trotter
roxanne is entering a new stage of her career
roxanne is friends with aurora


GAH.... [26 Nov 2004|04:02pm]
[ mood | wishing hew ould call ]

Well i am stuck at home...
john never called...
Brenda changed plans...

THis isnt the vacation I wanted

Nonstop yelling
friend dying
john forgetting

Vacation sucks so i am doing a survery

1) using band names, spell out your name (woah, watch out)

Rocket summer
X i have no fucking idea
Avenged Sevenfold
Name Taken
Early november

Iggy Pop
Over It
Lola Ray

Death Cab for Cutie *so many to chose*
Agent Orange
Vendetta Red
I against I
Scary Kids Scaring Kids

2) have you ever had a song written about you? In Wildwood once... Eric, Bruce, and Joe wrote it
3) what song makes you cry? LOTS
4) what song makes you happy? any song that i sing with Brenda
5) what do you like to listen to before bed? Patterns in the Static mainly

a p p e a r a n c e
height: I dont know, but i am not a midget
hair color: natural? med brown... almost forgot what it looks like but right now it is black with fushcia highlights
skin color: I dunno
eye color: brown
piercings: just the ears
tattoos: none...yet....

r i g h t n o w
what color pants are you wearing?: I am not wearing any... i am waering a skirt Plaid one
what song are you listening to?: Hands on Deck by Waking Ashland
what taste is in your mouth?: Toothpaste
what's the weather like?: Depressing
how are you?: Kinda upset
have motion sickness?: I just got done spinning in a chair so Yeah
have a bad habit?: Come on say it you need me like a bad habit
get along with your parents?: no
like to drive?: i dont drive yet

f a v o r i t e s
tv show: i dont really watch tv
conditioner: Garnier Fructis
book: The Perks of Being a Wallflower
non alcoholic drink: I dont know....
alcoholic dink: Smirnoff Twisted.... I mean I dont like alcohol....
thing to do on the weekend: hang out with Brenda

h a v e y o u
broken the law: yes.... underage drinking...but i havent gotten caught
ran away from home: no, but I threatened actually i just threatened yesterday
snuck out of the house: if a tent that you are staying in counts yes
ever gone skinny dipping: no
made a prank phone call: yes
ever tipped over a porta potty: It sounds like fun thanks for the idea
used your parents' credit card before: nope
skipped school before: no
fell asleep in the shower/bath: yes, i do believe jess paul and i just had this discussion yesterday
been in a school play: yes

l o v e
girlfriend/boyfriend: I dont have one of those
sexuality: straight
children: I threatened tuesday to NEVER NEVER have kids
been in love: nope
had a hard time getting over someone: yes
been hurt: too many times
your greatest regret: I try not to regret anything and say everything ahppens for a reason but of course i do regret things....
gone out with someone you only knew for three days: a week....and i thought i knew him pretty well turned out to be a whore

r a n d o m
do you have a job: no
your cd player has in it right now: Patterns in The Static
if you were a crayon what color would you be?: black
what makes you happy: I dont know
who makes you happiest: i dont know
what's the next cd you're gonna get?: i want to get a mix of Purevolume Emoish type bands

w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t
time you cried: this morning when i realized john wasnt going to call and that over break I wasnt going to see him
you got a real letter?: i cant remember... I think michelle shea after i moved
you got e-mail: John Fugate
thing you purchased: Semi Dress
tv program you watched: Something on Fuse
movie you saw in the theater: wow, you know it has been a long time when you cant remember

y o u r t h o u g h t s o n
abortion: That could take up a whole entry
teenage smoking: stupid..
spice girls: Whores, but their songs get stuck in your head
dreams: Can I live in one

(2wishes | dream)

Never forget those dear to you [24 Nov 2004|06:27pm]
[ mood | Upset... ]

I just got a call from My old friend Michelle Shea... I havent talked to her in awhile... and It wasnt the phone call that i actually wanted.... She called to tell me her older sister Melissa passed away this morning... You have to understand this family has been my family since i lived in philly... Melissa was mentally challenged but still wow she was a great person... I just wish she wouldnt have been taken from this world...

r.i.p melissa november 24, 2004

(3wishes | dream)

" she dots her i's with hearts and crossed her t's through mine" [23 Nov 2004|07:27pm]
So the last entry tol dyou nothing

That is the way it is...

Do you think my lj is pretty?

(2wishes | dream)

still shaking [22 Nov 2004|10:54pm]
[ mood | Scared/crying ]

I dont know why i did this to myself...
Why didnt i just let it go...
He has a girlfriend... he didnt tell me...
I should get over it...
I called to hear his voice... I didnt even mean to dial his number...
When I had a problem I would go to him so he was the first one I called
Of course he was kinda the problem i was having

And then Maybe i just called to hear his voice...
I think that was it..
But that voice suddenly changed for happy hey rox...to
Evil, and scary to the poitn i was shaking and crying...

What the hell did i do....
Actually I think I deserved it..
I am going back to crying now..

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